Tio Jaime: Aleph One

Don't see Charlie and the C&C Music Factory or whatever the hell it's called. The movie starts taking a shit at Johnny Depp's first voice-over. Doesn't get any better. I expected a buttload more. And also a buttload less Johnny Depp. Don't get me wrong, I loved him in that Keira Knightley movie. But Sweet Merciful Crap, he wasn't that funny as Willy Wonka and WHY MUST THESE LITTLE BRAINS IN THE THEATER KEEP LAUGHING AT HIS SHITTY THROWAWAY LINES?

And why did you Little Brains all collectively gasp in surprise when charlie found the golden ticket? Did you seriously think that they left that part out?

Grandpa Joe dancing? Not funny. Stop laughing like retarded hyenas.

And why must you screw around w/the plot like that, huh? Leaving out Slugworth? Oh wonderful, so the way that Charlie wins the factory is by Johnny Wonka turning around and realizing he's the last kid left? WTF? Oh yay, of course you should make him walk into the Great Glass Elevator. Twice. That would be Great.

Was I supposed to like the 21st century Oompa Loompas? Because they made me want to commit War Crimes. Seriously. And with exception of the third oompa loompa song in this new monstrosity, the rest of the new oompa loompa "improvisations" made me long for the oft-too-repeated-by-my-contemporaries old school oompa loompa songs. And if you know your jimmy history, the old ones made me want to defecate.

Speaking of which. The movie kinda peaked at the Indian chocolate castle. Because when it started to melt on the prince's and concubine-chick's faces i immediately thought, "Oh cool, at least this is going degenerate into a Scheisse film!" But no. Yet another of my hopes was dashed upon the rocks. Clubbed like a baby seal. Beaten like a rented mule. Humiliated like John Kerry and the Democruddy "party".

Seriously. How do you lose to W? Maybe I'm just falling victim to this Bay Area perception. Yeah, I thank God that the rest of America isn't as retarded as everybody around me.

And with that political commentary, this TJ:A1 post has earned a plug on the SHoP.

Last movie is Wedding Crashers. Funny-assed movie! But unfortunately it's a lot like Full Metal Jacket. Starts off nicely and the first half is memorable w/tons of sound bites and cool screen caps (heh boobies) (oh holy shit there were a ton of boobies), but much like how the second half of FMJ kinda trailed off, so too did Wedding Crashers. If i remember correctly, the uninteresting half of the movie began w/the bike ride. Very nice that both movies' first halves ended w/gunplay.

There, I shouldn't have ruined anything for anybody. I recommend Wedding Crashers, despite my disdain for Owen Wilson. And interestingly, I recommend taking a hammer to your non-dominant hand over Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, despite my affinity for Johnny Depp.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith